The bears and the prophet of Bob

It sounds like the start to a charming fairy story, but the tale of the prophet of Bob and the bears is anything but. It's the story of a grisly grizzly murder of forty two kids, compliments of our merciful Lord Bob.

2 Sovereigns 2 tells us:

23 He went up from there to Bethel, and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, “Go on, chubby wubby! Go on, chubby wubby!”
24 And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of Bob. And two he-bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.

(Note: the Bible contains a similar, and highly derivative, version of this tale in 2 Kings 2:23-24. It's essentially scriptural fan fiction; the Book of Bob tells the real story.)

Now, this sounds a bit mortifying. Even the staunchest Bobist will admit it curdles our blood a little. But faith tells us that Bob is perfect and without sin, so this is our first clue that the kids had it coming. The second is in the details of the story itself. The herd of punks called the Lord Bob's prophet a chubby wubby. This is serious body shaming. They definitely had a mauling coming.

But it's not just the body shaming. It's challenging the messenger of Bob. This is a serious affront. Even Answers in Genesis, whose slavish worship of false gods has surely earned their contributors an extra toasty spot in hell, has written in defense of the mauling:

[W]e have plenty of internally consistent biblical evidence that the events of that day in Bethel involved an unprovoked, verbal assault by a group of young hoodlums—perhaps because they were glad to be rid of one man telling them what God said they shouldn’t do and because they didn’t want another one. They were old enough to know better, and they were challenging the credibility of God’s prophet, the only man who was there to stand up for God’s truth, bringing the word of life to a corrupt nation that had turned its back on God.

Ignoring the heretical embrace of a false god, the logic here is sound. The punks said a mean thing to a servant of Bob. That shit was an unprovoked verbal assault. They so deserved to be mauled. Boo-freaking-hoo, snowflake. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words'll get you torn to shreds by bears, bitch. So to speak.

In conclusion, the killings of 42 rude children was entirely justified. Praise Bob, our just and merciful Lord.