The Church of Bob

It sounds like the start to a charming fairy story, but the tale of the prophet of Bob and the bears is anything but. It's the story of a grisly grizzly murder of forty two kids, compliments of our merciful Lord Bob. 2 Sovereigns 2 tells us: 23 He went up from there to Bethel, and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, “Go on, chubby wubby! Go on, chubby wubby!” 24 And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of Bob. And two he-bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. (Note: the Bible contains a similar, and highly derivative, version of this tale in 2 Kings 2:23-24 . It's essentially scriptural fan fiction; the Book of Bob tells the real story.) Now, this sounds a bit mortifying. Even the staunchest Bobist will admit it curdles our blood a little. But faith tells us that Bob is perfect and without sin, so this is our first clue that the kids had it coming. The s...

Bob is perfect and without sin. Everyone knows this. And yet the Book of Bob is chock full of stories of Bob being jealous, angry, wrathful and even a little murdery on occasion. The Book of Bob tells us that jealousy, wrath, anger and murder are sins. This seeming incongruity is seized on by Christians, atheists and other nonbelievers to argue that Bob cannot be divine. If, these heretics say, Bob is divine and without sin, how can she be prone to moments of jealousy or murder, which are sins? The answer is simple, of course. The rules are made by Bob, for you. Bob is exempt. Bob is by nature perfect and without sin, therefore Bob cannot sin. So if Bob is murdering you, you better believe you deserved it. Despite the simplicity of this answer, some nonbelievers have hardened their hearts so much that this is difficult for them to understand. They will quote passages of the Book of Bob, such as And the Lord thy Bob said, Thou shalt not slay thine brother, nor thine sister, n...