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The Great Tsunami: sin, genocide, and divine retribution

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So this is a long blogpost. It's necessary to include most of the scripture explaining the Great Tsunami, in order to discuss it. The excerpt from the Book of Bob follows at the end of this post, for your edification. Even if you're familiar with it (and you should be!), a refresher is always in order. But for brevity's sake, let's get right to the discussion. So, long story short, the Lord Bob sent a tsunami to destroy the entire earth. Why? Because people were sinning. The people had turned their backs on Bob. Bob knew this would happen, because Bob is all knowing, and Bob created people to be weak and prone to sin, but this betrayal surprised and pissed off Bob. So Bob did the only logical thing: decided to murder them all. Well, not all. Bob really kind of liked the miserable, disobedient primates she'd created (Bob is merciful!). And the creeping things and the flying things and so on. So Bob decided to spare one family, the line of Jerry. Jerry disresp...
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The bears and the prophet of Bob

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It sounds like the start to a charming fairy story, but the tale of the prophet of Bob and the bears is anything but. It's the story of a grisly grizzly murder of forty two kids, compliments of our merciful Lord Bob. 2 Sovereigns 2 tells us: 23 He went up from there to Bethel, and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, “Go on, chubby wubby! Go on, chubby wubby!” 24 And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of Bob. And two he-bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. (Note: the Bible contains a similar, and highly derivative, version of this tale in 2 Kings 2:23-24 . It's essentially scriptural fan fiction; the Book of Bob tells the real story.) Now, this sounds a bit mortifying. Even the staunchest Bobist will admit it curdles our blood a little. But faith tells us that Bob is perfect and without sin, so this is our first clue that the kids had it coming. The s...
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Can Bob sin? Jealousy, wrath, anger and divine exemption

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Bob is perfect and without sin. Everyone knows this. And yet the Book of Bob is chock full of stories of Bob being jealous, angry, wrathful and even a little murdery on occasion. The Book of Bob tells us that jealousy, wrath, anger and murder are sins. This seeming incongruity is seized on by Christians, atheists and other nonbelievers to argue that Bob cannot be divine. If, these heretics say, Bob is divine and without sin, how can she be prone to moments of jealousy or murder, which are sins? The answer is simple, of course. The rules are made by Bob, for you. Bob is exempt. Bob is by nature perfect and without sin, therefore Bob cannot sin. So if Bob is murdering you, you better believe you deserved it. Despite the simplicity of this answer, some nonbelievers have hardened their hearts so much that this is difficult for them to understand. They will quote passages of the Book of Bob, such as And the Lord thy Bob said, Thou shalt not slay thine brother, nor thine sister, n...
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What people don't understand about hell

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Hell is one of those things that disbelievers like to use to attack Bob. They'll ask If Bob is love, how can hell exist? But the answer is simple and obvious. Hell exists because Bob is love. Bob is love, pure love. Bob loves us enough to stop us from harming ourselves, and enough to correct us when we are wrong. Bob wants what's best for us. Because BOB LOVES US. Bob wants more than anything for us to spend eternity with her. Bob wants us to believe, to save ourselves from perdition. But ultimately the choice is ours. Bob can't be blamed for what we choose to do. We know the consequences of our actions. We don't hate the parent who corrects his child for stealing cookies. Yet atheists blame Bob when she corrects us ( Eternally. With fire.) for refusing to love her. How does that make sense? It doesn't! We have a choice - to love Bob, or to suffer the penalty for not loving Bob. Like the child staring at the cookie jar, we can choose to obey and worship ...
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Our Bob is an awesome Bob!

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Bob's love is eternal. It's unending. It's unyielding. Bob loves you. Yes, you. Even if you don't love Bob. Even if you deny Bob. Some Gods died for you, but Bob lives for you. Bob sacrificed like only Bob can sacrifice, and loves with a love so pure, so true, that only Bob can love you like that. Bob is the reason we exist, and our reason to exist. Bob is love. Love is Bob. Open your heart. Feel the love of Bob.
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